Keeping Tab

Wonderwall

2008-06-07T16:48:00.001+04:00

A song that couldnt have been written better...

OASIS
Wonderwall

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Bittersweet Symphony.

2007-05-30T13:37:00.001+04:00

Dream. Because that is what your life is going to be.

I have always lived by this. I looked at myself as a fool who is running around selling dreams in a land of people who have forgotten how to dream.

Until now. Now I have a dream I want to buy. And the currency i have to shell out is patience.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down

A friend.

2007-05-15T15:05:00.001+04:00

“So are you here on work, or just to unwind…?”

A coy smile. “How come I don’t see fear in you?”

“I have this rule, never give in on the first date.”

“You are treading on this thin line between confidence and self destruction.” The glint in her eye almost speaks evil.

“So what’s bothering you, that I am not leaning enough towards self destruction, or that if I did, you would have to get back to your boring job.”

Pause. For the first time since I got up, I hear the music.

I feel that cold breath again, “do you dance?”

Who is going to believe me that I danced with Death? “Only if you promise to lead the way.”

It’s that coy giggle again. She slips her hand into mine and guides me through a strobe-influenced floor infested with people shedding the last weeks … everything.

My eyes are enslaved, my mind surrendered and my heart fighting to stay out of the water. I see her move, try to keep up.

The moon forms a halo around her head through the balcony. It’s almost as if she has staged this. Is she playing me? Is this the last dance? Is this when I am supposed to hear “do you mind if I cut in?” It doesn’t happen.

The grace and flow with which I am entranced is unnatural. I have never reached this level of comfort.

This moment is etched.

The clock cheats, shows a few hours later in a few minutes.

I see the moon smile away into the sunrise.

“Let’s drive.”

It’s a beautiful day, I am tired and my eyes refuse to shut. The speedometer reads 170. She grooves to the radio, “where are we going D?”

“Beach.” A juvenile smile fills my face.

I see the rising sun through the shimmering surface of the sea. I surface and find myself a little off shore in the shimmering blue-golden waters…

“NIK…come quick, you got to meet this friend of mine.” I see her standing with someone angelic.

I feel the alcohol kick in as every stroke towards the shore becomes heavier and closer to impossible. I can feel my breath slow down and the surface of the sea move away. Lights fade and there is a shooting pain in my chest.

NO. Not right now. Not like this. My mind is defying the moment, but my body has given in. Pitch black. DAMN.

Please god, let me open my eyes in heaven. I see that angelic face again. She is tanned. She is exotic. She is drenched. Looking straight at me.

“Wake up, sleepy head.” I turn around. I see D. “What…Where..?” I look at the new face… “Who..?”

“Hi Nik. I am Life.”

I met her.

2007-05-09T11:18:00.001+04:00

I slipped away from work, drove to the beach for a bit. Took a much-needed break. Was sitting at the edge of the waters with my feet submerged looking at the sky, when I hear a voice like a melody, “excuse me, is the water cold?”

Without turning around, I answer, “Its fine, just don’t go too far, coz I hear the tides coming up.”

“Thanx.”

The song comes to an end and my eyes wander, the first thing I see is this perfect figure in a black dress walking away from me into the water. She has beautiful black hair with streaks of brown. Has her arms stretched and she stops at knee-deep waters. I look around and don’t see anyone else, and am thinking, “damn, was she who spoke to me….”

Missed opportunity.

Get back to work and the same old song and dance. End of the day, a friend buzzes me, “stop acting like your saving the world and get your ass home, I am having some people over.”

Ring the bell, and the doors opens to dim lights, blaring desi music and I can feel the work just melt away.

“What the hell took you so long…don’t even think traffic coz Natasha just came from where you’re at.”

“Natasha must have left 2 days ago. Honestly it was traffic,…..Hey Natasha….” (oops)

I settle down on my favorite bean bag near the balcony with my best buddy JW to unwind a bit before I take a swing at the dance floor.

I see her, very familiar, shes looking straight at me. A familiar smile. I am drawn. Walking to her, have no idea what I am going to say, when she says, “thanx for the warning at the beach. I was hoping to run into you so I could thank you.”

Stumped. Minds working as fast as it never can again, she is perfect, her smile, hair, the slight dimple, her tan, and I feel a few words rushing out…

“Oh, that, can’t think of anywhere else I would have rather been…”

Smitten at first sight. And its all over my face. “I am glad you were there too.” She says.

I am making crazy headway here. I put my hand forward, “hi, I am…

“Hi Nikalank, didn’t know I would bump into you so soon, wasn’t prepared.”

“Prepared?” I curse my memory again. “I am sorry, have we met? It sounds like an excuse but I suffer from goldfish memory syndrome. Where have we met before? And you are…”

“We met at the beach silly.” Laughs. She has me hooked like a 3 year old is to his first ice-cream. The rest of the room has disappeared. I can see her so clearly, each strand of her hair playing on her face because of the drift from the aircon. She brushes it away, gets up, puts her hand on my chest, my heart skips a beat and i feel a soft breath whisper into my ear…

“Hi Nik, I am Death.”

Tick Tock.

2007-05-03T13:58:00.000+04:00

Tick Tock.

Walking out of my first and probably only serious relationship after graduation, I learnt that everything that happens to me is my doing… I let loose, did whatever I wanted, traveled all over the country, danced piss drunk at innumerable weddings, traveled ticket less with 50 rupees from Delhi to Bbay, worked in a call centre, left the country, had 3 jobs in 2 and a half years, was detained at Dubai airport for 12 hours…drove rickshaws in Bombay, drove a cab form VT to home in powai, got ma heart tossed around and probably hurt a few myself, had some real close drunk and riding/driving calls during street races (thank god for standing by me), started a company, signed on some big deals…and this was all because I was finding myself. Trying to understand the equation between this world and me.

Then, BOOM! She happens. I had myself convinced that whatever happens, there is nothing that can stop me from bouncing back. And now for the first time it dawned upon me that there are situations you don’t want to bounce back from…

I have always enjoyed telling a story, and what better place to get them from than your own life. Just spoke to a friend and she told me that in life it all boils down to two words “I want”. Everything is around this, how bad, what you are ready to do, experience, lose… I have an illustrious past and it has been difficult to express how badly I want this story. I am not bothered about the ending or the chapters, because that can change, evolve, excite…whatever…it’s the beginning that worries me. It’s “not in my court.”

One of the worst things that has happened to me is that I realised that all those idioms, wiseman sayings that I learnt in school to garnish the English essays are actually true.

Patience is a golden virtue. Good things come to those who wait. Love does not survive on fresh air and water. The ones, which I have developed, the most irritation towards are “give it time” and “it all works out well in the end.”

Don’t people realise that if you give it time then, that much time is what you’ll have to make up for…I know, I know, less than optimum time makes half cooked meals…

What does time do? It just makes you agree with what you saw a while ago…Instinct is the cure to time. People should sharpen their instincts. Save TIME. Don’t be scared to feel, and if you do, don’t fear expression, its better out there than in you.

I really want to know of an unbelievable feat that was achieved without taking ‘the plunge.” Yes, I have been called a stupid optimist. The best part is when they who call me the same wonder how I have what I do. Modest, aren’t I? (Laugh!!)

Now, on a genuine level… MAAA… (Tantrum!!) Make this happen.

Contradictions.

2007-03-08T01:54:00.000+04:00

This is something I never thought I would feel much rather write about. The mother of all contradictions.

The internet is a place where your personality walks atleast a few steps before your person. In the recent past I have met quite a few people online who I have never met. As someone I know said "I love contradictions."
I have heard so many stories and episodes of people meeting online and changing lives. As weird as it may sound but I can now relate to it too.

Cyberworld, a place where everyone is being led by who they are, the success of people clicking is so much easier, the rejection is so much more acceptable. This is only because you avoid the social saga of "getting to know someone."

Imagine walking around a mall where you could tell about people much before you spoke to them. The physical self does give a lot away, but still disguises the heart and mind a lot. This disguise people don't mind shedding online.

"Whats the worst, that could happen, I'll block her, I won't meet her?"
"Who is he she going to tell?"
"Its online, I made that up! It isn't true." Or is it?

Its when the line between the cyber and real gets thin does the nervousness set in. The real world or reality as we perceive it is a lot less forgiving.

What you say online can so easily be contradicted because "its just a chat", "it was a stupid forward", "so what if I created that fictitious profile"... All of this is still YOU.

I have a blog, am online for I don't know how many hours... but still am an old school guy. The touch, feel, taste, sound still matters. Its an irony that people go online to find the real world, where they learn that it is exactly what they want till they start making it a reality.

I love contradictions.

Dreams are ideas, and reality is a perception, find the missing link of this equation and your there... your journey is over. But why would you do that? The end of the journey in this life is like a comb to a bald man...of no use.

Stay hungry, Stay foolish - Steve Jobs

Keep Walking - JW

Artist Inside.

2006-10-09T14:38:00.000+04:00

What is art, according to you?
Scott Adams described it best when he said, “Art is making mistakes, creativity is knowing which ones to keep.” I also feel art is an aesthetic expression of an idea. The journey from an idea to its expression is art.

What is Art Appreciation?
The ability to establish a relation between the work of an artist and oneself is true appreciation. Every artist in his or her own way always asks for an open mind. I think before someone can relate to a painting, sculpture, music or any other form of art needs to explore their own mind. A lot of people confuse art appreciation with their sensory preferences.

What are the various elements of art?
Ideas, sensitivity and an obsession with expression are the three most important elements of art. What we see, feel, hear and sense is just a consequence of a combination of these elements. Our mind is the biggest resource of these elements and Life is the biggest exhibition of works of art.

How should one analyze art as a form?
Any form of art reflects the culture, ideologies and the backdrop from which the artist hails or is most influenced by. A deeper understanding of these predispositions is thus significant. Every artist has their own approach; the style should do justice to what the artist stands for and what has been expressed on the canvas or any other form of art. This is what makes every analysis of art subjective.

Time, I feel is the only true measure of art. Art has been the prominent echo of the eras all throughout our civilization. All works of art speak volumes of the time spent by the artist.

Why should anyone walking into an art gallery be expected to appreciate art?
An art gallery with a running exhibition is a physical representation into the artists’ soul. Anyone walking into the art gallery is getting a chance to witness the artist from the inside.

I also feel that there is a lot to learn from art. Our reality is what we choose it to be and to experience the real from an artists’ perspective is only possible if one can appreciate art. A taste off the surreal is often what we need to make sense of our realities.

“Any reality is an opinion. You make your own reality.” – Nystagmus.

What are 10 ways to make someone appreciate art?

1. Keep an open mind.
2. Keep an open mind.
3. Keep an open mind.
4. Keep an open mind.
5. Keep an open mind.
6. Visit a lot of exhibitions. Visit exhibitions of paintings, music concerts, theatre, sculptures and all forms of art.
7. Interact with the artist.
8. Try your hand at art yourself.
9. Dream. Visualize. Live it up.
10. Read a little about art history.

Questions...aaaaaaa!

2006-09-27T10:37:00.000+04:00

Whatever happens happen for the best, hell ya, it does. Home alone, quit my job, changed plans by a whole 180 degrees, and its all looking good. Well, in my head at least.

Change. Truth, everyone wants to hear the truth, we all like to believe that we can handle the truth. Can I? Not easily. It has always taken me time to accept something that I did not want to believe in. And yes, I still, with the exception of my father have to meet someone who can handle the truth better than me.

Goodness of the heart. Makes you weak, makes you falter, makes you think. This is what everyone avoids. No one looks at the advantage that it has, it gives you courage to look someone in the eye and say, “I love you”. You can hold your head up in front of someone you have wronged to apologise.

I hate playing the ego game. I fight with myself. Why? So what if someone is happier with a feeling of superiority? Doesn’t make it so. I keep giving into the rest of the human race. Just writing that last sentence made me feel above all else. MAN!!! If I can actually inculcate that into my life…wonders will never seize.

Which is the scariest fear? Fear of the unknown of fear of knowing that what is unacceptable is true?

Family. What was the question again?

In business or a profession it should not matter who is talking, what he/she has to say is more important. On the personal front, who is saying it is more important than what is being said.

There is always an option. The strength of the reason to not exercise the option doesn’t make the option non-existent.

Shredding myself to bits and I still haven’t been able to figure out what I can offer? Can I write, can I paint, or design, or talk? Am I a thinker? Career Counsellors, psychiatrists, I want to know what they see.

I feel like I am giving an exam and the time’s running out. The problem here is I have no clue how much time is left and how many more questions I have left before I finish.

Melting Pot

2006-07-08T18:45:00.000+04:00

Escape and freedom, freedom is first, an escape isn’t complete till it isn’t physically fulfilled, freedom is a state of mind. People free themselves all the time; the escape comes in only when the want to be free takes over. I find it amusing that something permanent leads to something that is temporary and people enjoy the temporary pleasure more.

You own your freedom; an escape belongs to someone else. 15 minutes can blow you away, and a lifetime can have made no sense at all.

Everyone asks you if you are ready? Tell me one situation when you can absolutely be sure that you are ready? You can only minimise the risk. You cannot avoid a mishap. Honest effort and an open mind are as powerful as experience. Not afraid to change plans, not shying away from making the best out of a situation, this is as important. You can choose to gain as much experience as you want and then venture into your dream, but then what if it is too late? A failed effort is much better than a frustrated itch that you might not have been able to scratch….

Even a priest doesn’t believe in god as much as a love struck fool. I have always gone back running to god. If I were to choose, I want this to be my miracle for this life. Please god, silence all these pessimistic people around me, let this be the one, this way your presence is felt, I get what I want and everyone is happy.

I know you are omnipresent, I also know that you are talking to me in more ways than one, then why the hell is it there this question mark in my head? There has to be answer to this. You haven’t made me to believe in anything unexplainable. Miracles are also explainable. The reason for a miracle is your deeds. Deserving people have miracles taking them through their tough times.

There is a funny strength inside which I know will take me through this. It makes me remain so calm while all this is happening; otherwise I would be flipping out.

I just found out that people meant for greatness surround me. This can only mean that even I am made for the same. Yes, I just complimented myself and made an attempt to not sound egotistical.

Can you actually love each day? Is that what love is? Is it something inside that makes you find happiness in the very chance that she is going to smile?

I can very easily become a full-blown alcoholic; I can also give up alcohol very easily. What makes me think with such confidence sometimes baffles me. Seriously god, you gave me a heart but did not give me one ounce of a brain.

Oh what a High!!!!…I need a music system that I can carry around with me. What is a high? A feeling of independence from the real world is a high. The means to enter a realm where your weirdest ideas become real is a high. Why alcohol…why not a beautiful face, a smile, music, anything that can take your mind off from this artificial world?

I agree when everyone says that trust what you see, the only problem is that people are only looking they aren’t seeing. How many really see the world for what it is? 99% live in a world that they have built for themselves without considering others.

Get me an easel and I will create MAGIC. Yes I am lazy.

It is so much easier to go through life when you are honest. There is so much less burden to fight.

Laugh it up

2005-10-02T22:30:00.000+04:00

Its happening and I can feel it. It’s the smell just before the kill. Her hand on my head and the gut inside… Nobody said it was going to be easy, and impossible is what I was made to tackle. You call it arrogance, I call it veracity.

Ever wanted something that everybody was advising you against? All the time. ALL THE TIME. Is there a point in walking towards a goal that you know everyone will know you could get to?

Passion, stubbornness, confidence, faith, an unexplainable obsession, they are all different excuses or reasons. I choose what it should be.

First blood…. too soon? I like your sense of humour, I mean, it is so apparent that the strings lead all the way up to you. When you are smiling nothing else matters. The most excruciating feeling seems trifling.

You know it, you made me, your secret is out, well at least to me, not to say that I was smart enough to figure it out myself, I did get a lot of help from you.

Now I see it, now I don’t. Entertaining isn’t it? You make people build up dreams, visions, their whole lives and mindsets and then you tweak one little things and boom…. It all changes.

I have always been fighting people perceptions, judgements; it’s an irony, for me to be close to anyone I have to live with the fact that I might be judged.

I thought I was your favourite. This is fun for you. There is humour in teasing someone if the intent is clear; malice turns the whole picture another way.

Mixed signals, what are you saying? You make me so simple and then go ahead and complicate everything around me. They are your creation. I never communicate with anyone on a human level, or rather I look at something spiritual in everything around me. Coming from the school of thought that you are omnipresent, you are talking to me through ma family, friends, colleagues…

I have become so insensitive that my tears have dried up. I feel the pain but the tears disappear before they reach the eyes. The pain is not of rejection or failure; the pain is from the truth. A feeling so strong can be wrong…

Show me the face maa, please. A face I can look at and all the pain melts away, a picture that exudes happiness, a glint that makes fear look stupid.

I want to be strong enough to smile at misery in her face. I want to win against time. I want to be beyond human. It’s a desire so achievable in my head. Then reality kicks in. The most powerful tool is your heart and your worst enemy is your mind. The only way to win this war is the destruction of either one. Co-existence is what people say to make it easier to accept what they can see and do nothing about.

Kryptonite

2005-10-02T22:24:00.000+04:00

I have rehearsed this a million times in my head. But I always knew that the minute I look into your eyes the words will stop. Right here, in front of you, of all the words waiting to shout out of me, the loudest of them all is, “forever”.

Just when I thought I was getting closer to everything I had dreamed about, your smile told me I was dreaming about all the wrong things. I picture the most beautiful house with the works on the most scenic landscape this planet has to offer, a Arnold Ness personalised Harley Davidson Fatboy and a Hummer H1 in the drive way, and then your face flashes in my head and makes me feel what my life should really be about.

I have found my kryptonite. An artist’s worst fear is to find something so beautiful that makes him realise all his art is pale, you have done that to me.

Every body tells you that god has made a better half for you, but no one warns you about that one person who can make you lose everything you will ever want.

I like where I am because it is always easier to pass by a display holding the most precious gem than standing the night through guarding it.

I find peace in the fact that the pain to never be with you would be easier to bear than even a single thought of losing you after I am with you.

The temptation of achieving the impossible has always driven me. I never feared to pull off the impossible until the thought of a life with you crossed my mind.

You are everything I want. The question is how close do I come to that painted picture in your head.

Love. Don’t ask someone not in it to describe it to you. And you wont understand the depth that some in love is trying to portray. Unfortunately it is one of those feelings you have to be in to actually understand it. A time in your life when you actually find reason for your existence but nothing around you.

Three Doors Down - KRYPTONITE

I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite

The mind scores

2005-10-02T21:58:00.000+04:00

There is frustration, there is shaken faith, and the fog covers the vision of life. Why should I make a statement to anyone? Why do I have to prove anything? I want to piss off everyone around me. I want them to get angry enough to never see or hear me again. I want to see how many actually come back. I will not care what you have to say, I will not listen, I will fight, but I will call up in the night to say good night.

NIKALANK, SHUT UP. I cannot get that out of my head.

Everyone thinks loudest when alone. I don’t mean right, I mean LOUD. How can you tell that you know someone if you cant tell what they are thinking in solace. It doesn’t take understanding, liking, tolerance, love, or any sentiment. It takes courage, the courage to stand by any thought that he or she might have. I am talking about the courage to look someone you love in the eyes and say, “you’re wrong”. There is no reason to not have this courage. They are all excuses. Mine is that I don’t want to be judged.

Is there anyone who can share the dirtiest thought with a person of choice without an ounce of fear of being judged?

My biggest fear is that one day I will get up and realise that I am mediocre. There is a want to be great. There is a confidence that I have the potential. But what if it is a myth?
What if this is going to be my life? How do I accept this?

Who knows me? I am scattered in people’s heads and hearts. They all know me in bits. I need to find these and put them together. Do I have time? How much of life will I have left after finding myself?

I say you are successful in a relationship not when you can see your future in the other persons eyes, its when you can see yourself, who you really are because what they have in their eyes in what they have in their heart.

I can’t trust people. There, I said it. Now what?

There has to be a point in every relationship when you know it is forever. Only those relationships survive in which both pass and recognise this point. It might be forever to them for different reasons.

Don’t sympathise with me. You insult me. Don’t ever lie, whether you think its important for me or not is of no consequence. You will loose me, coz I am not stupid enough to know when someone is lying to me. I am not ashamed of being helped. But what drives me mad is when I am a ‘poor soul’ to someone. What makes you think I will not be able to make things better? I might fail, but that only means that there is yet another way to do it. This scares me. I never wanted to talk like this.

I will be 25 soon. In 6 years I want a life where I am running around at my own accord. I want the choice whether I should run behind my wife on a beach or behind a client to put his signatures on something important.