Sunday, October 02, 2005

The mind scores

There is frustration, there is shaken faith, and the fog covers the vision of life. Why should I make a statement to anyone? Why do I have to prove anything? I want to piss off everyone around me. I want them to get angry enough to never see or hear me again. I want to see how many actually come back. I will not care what you have to say, I will not listen, I will fight, but I will call up in the night to say good night.

NIKALANK, SHUT UP. I cannot get that out of my head.

Everyone thinks loudest when alone. I don’t mean right, I mean LOUD. How can you tell that you know someone if you cant tell what they are thinking in solace. It doesn’t take understanding, liking, tolerance, love, or any sentiment. It takes courage, the courage to stand by any thought that he or she might have. I am talking about the courage to look someone you love in the eyes and say, “you’re wrong”. There is no reason to not have this courage. They are all excuses. Mine is that I don’t want to be judged.

Is there anyone who can share the dirtiest thought with a person of choice without an ounce of fear of being judged?

My biggest fear is that one day I will get up and realise that I am mediocre. There is a want to be great. There is a confidence that I have the potential. But what if it is a myth?
What if this is going to be my life? How do I accept this?

Who knows me? I am scattered in people’s heads and hearts. They all know me in bits. I need to find these and put them together. Do I have time? How much of life will I have left after finding myself?

I say you are successful in a relationship not when you can see your future in the other persons eyes, its when you can see yourself, who you really are because what they have in their eyes in what they have in their heart.

I can’t trust people. There, I said it. Now what?

There has to be a point in every relationship when you know it is forever. Only those relationships survive in which both pass and recognise this point. It might be forever to them for different reasons.

Don’t sympathise with me. You insult me. Don’t ever lie, whether you think its important for me or not is of no consequence. You will loose me, coz I am not stupid enough to know when someone is lying to me. I am not ashamed of being helped. But what drives me mad is when I am a ‘poor soul’ to someone. What makes you think I will not be able to make things better? I might fail, but that only means that there is yet another way to do it. This scares me. I never wanted to talk like this.

I will be 25 soon. In 6 years I want a life where I am running around at my own accord. I want the choice whether I should run behind my wife on a beach or behind a client to put his signatures on something important.

4 Comments:

Blogger Love but Hate said...

I enjoyed reading your blog. In fact, I've bookmarked yours!

signs of a cheating wife.

10:01 PM  
Blogger namrata said...

Good work Nik! I identify with so many of your ideas. You have good writing skills to be able to put these feelings into words.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Just nothing said...

I relate and connect to your ideas. You write really well. Good work dude..

5:19 PM  
Blogger Untamed Mind said...

There is an honest simplicity in the way you approach your thoughts in most of your posts which is commendable.I comply to most of what is being said here, especially the part about relationships. It's strange how we think things should be forever and eternally seek permanence when life in all it's lucidity is constantly changing and impermanent :-).

Nyela.

1:13 PM  

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