Bittersweet Symphony.

Dream. Because that is what your life is going to be.

I have always lived by this. I looked at myself as a fool who is running around selling dreams in a land of people who have forgotten how to dream.

Until now. Now I have a dream I want to buy. And the currency i have to shell out is patience.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down

A friend.

“So are you here on work, or just to unwind…?”

A coy smile. “How come I don’t see fear in you?”

“I have this rule, never give in on the first date.”

“You are treading on this thin line between confidence and self destruction.” The glint in her eye almost speaks evil.

“So what’s bothering you, that I am not leaning enough towards self destruction, or that if I did, you would have to get back to your boring job.”

Pause. For the first time since I got up, I hear the music.

I feel that cold breath again, “do you dance?”

Who is going to believe me that I danced with Death? “Only if you promise to lead the way.”

It’s that coy giggle again. She slips her hand into mine and guides me through a strobe-influenced floor infested with people shedding the last weeks … everything.

My eyes are enslaved, my mind surrendered and my heart fighting to stay out of the water. I see her move, try to keep up.

The moon forms a halo around her head through the balcony. It’s almost as if she has staged this. Is she playing me? Is this the last dance? Is this when I am supposed to hear “do you mind if I cut in?” It doesn’t happen.

The grace and flow with which I am entranced is unnatural. I have never reached this level of comfort.

This moment is etched.

The clock cheats, shows a few hours later in a few minutes.

I see the moon smile away into the sunrise.

“Let’s drive.”

It’s a beautiful day, I am tired and my eyes refuse to shut. The speedometer reads 170. She grooves to the radio, “where are we going D?”

“Beach.” A juvenile smile fills my face.

I see the rising sun through the shimmering surface of the sea. I surface and find myself a little off shore in the shimmering blue-golden waters…

“NIK…come quick, you got to meet this friend of mine.” I see her standing with someone angelic.

I feel the alcohol kick in as every stroke towards the shore becomes heavier and closer to impossible. I can feel my breath slow down and the surface of the sea move away. Lights fade and there is a shooting pain in my chest.

NO. Not right now. Not like this. My mind is defying the moment, but my body has given in. Pitch black. DAMN.

Please god, let me open my eyes in heaven. I see that angelic face again. She is tanned. She is exotic. She is drenched. Looking straight at me.

“Wake up, sleepy head.” I turn around. I see D. “What…Where..?” I look at the new face… “Who..?”

“Hi Nik. I am Life.”

I met her.

I slipped away from work, drove to the beach for a bit. Took a much-needed break. Was sitting at the edge of the waters with my feet submerged looking at the sky, when I hear a voice like a melody, “excuse me, is the water cold?”

Without turning around, I answer, “Its fine, just don’t go too far, coz I hear the tides coming up.”

“Thanx.”

The song comes to an end and my eyes wander, the first thing I see is this perfect figure in a black dress walking away from me into the water. She has beautiful black hair with streaks of brown. Has her arms stretched and she stops at knee-deep waters. I look around and don’t see anyone else, and am thinking, “damn, was she who spoke to me….”

Missed opportunity.

Get back to work and the same old song and dance. End of the day, a friend buzzes me, “stop acting like your saving the world and get your ass home, I am having some people over.”

Ring the bell, and the doors opens to dim lights, blaring desi music and I can feel the work just melt away.

“What the hell took you so long…don’t even think traffic coz Natasha just came from where you’re at.”

“Natasha must have left 2 days ago. Honestly it was traffic,…..Hey Natasha….” (oops)

I settle down on my favorite bean bag near the balcony with my best buddy JW to unwind a bit before I take a swing at the dance floor.

I see her, very familiar, shes looking straight at me. A familiar smile. I am drawn. Walking to her, have no idea what I am going to say, when she says, “thanx for the warning at the beach. I was hoping to run into you so I could thank you.”

Stumped. Minds working as fast as it never can again, she is perfect, her smile, hair, the slight dimple, her tan, and I feel a few words rushing out…

“Oh, that, can’t think of anywhere else I would have rather been…”

Smitten at first sight. And its all over my face. “I am glad you were there too.” She says.

I am making crazy headway here. I put my hand forward, “hi, I am…

“Hi Nikalank, didn’t know I would bump into you so soon, wasn’t prepared.”

“Prepared?” I curse my memory again. “I am sorry, have we met? It sounds like an excuse but I suffer from goldfish memory syndrome. Where have we met before? And you are…”

“We met at the beach silly.” Laughs. She has me hooked like a 3 year old is to his first ice-cream. The rest of the room has disappeared. I can see her so clearly, each strand of her hair playing on her face because of the drift from the aircon. She brushes it away, gets up, puts her hand on my chest, my heart skips a beat and i feel a soft breath whisper into my ear…

“Hi Nik, I am Death.”

Tick Tock.

Tick Tock.

Walking out of my first and probably only serious relationship after graduation, I learnt that everything that happens to me is my doing… I let loose, did whatever I wanted, traveled all over the country, danced piss drunk at innumerable weddings, traveled ticket less with 50 rupees from Delhi to Bbay, worked in a call centre, left the country, had 3 jobs in 2 and a half years, was detained at Dubai airport for 12 hours…drove rickshaws in Bombay, drove a cab form VT to home in powai, got ma heart tossed around and probably hurt a few myself, had some real close drunk and riding/driving calls during street races (thank god for standing by me), started a company, signed on some big deals…and this was all because I was finding myself. Trying to understand the equation between this world and me.

Then, BOOM! She happens. I had myself convinced that whatever happens, there is nothing that can stop me from bouncing back. And now for the first time it dawned upon me that there are situations you don’t want to bounce back from…

I have always enjoyed telling a story, and what better place to get them from than your own life. Just spoke to a friend and she told me that in life it all boils down to two words “I want”. Everything is around this, how bad, what you are ready to do, experience, lose… I have an illustrious past and it has been difficult to express how badly I want this story. I am not bothered about the ending or the chapters, because that can change, evolve, excite…whatever…it’s the beginning that worries me. It’s “not in my court.”

One of the worst things that has happened to me is that I realised that all those idioms, wiseman sayings that I learnt in school to garnish the English essays are actually true.

Patience is a golden virtue. Good things come to those who wait. Love does not survive on fresh air and water. The ones, which I have developed, the most irritation towards are “give it time” and “it all works out well in the end.”

Don’t people realise that if you give it time then, that much time is what you’ll have to make up for…I know, I know, less than optimum time makes half cooked meals…

What does time do? It just makes you agree with what you saw a while ago…Instinct is the cure to time. People should sharpen their instincts. Save TIME. Don’t be scared to feel, and if you do, don’t fear expression, its better out there than in you.

I really want to know of an unbelievable feat that was achieved without taking ‘the plunge.” Yes, I have been called a stupid optimist. The best part is when they who call me the same wonder how I have what I do. Modest, aren’t I? (Laugh!!)

Now, on a genuine level… MAAA… (Tantrum!!) Make this happen.