Sunday, October 02, 2005

Laugh it up

Its happening and I can feel it. It’s the smell just before the kill. Her hand on my head and the gut inside… Nobody said it was going to be easy, and impossible is what I was made to tackle. You call it arrogance, I call it veracity.

Ever wanted something that everybody was advising you against? All the time. ALL THE TIME. Is there a point in walking towards a goal that you know everyone will know you could get to?

Passion, stubbornness, confidence, faith, an unexplainable obsession, they are all different excuses or reasons. I choose what it should be.

First blood…. too soon? I like your sense of humour, I mean, it is so apparent that the strings lead all the way up to you. When you are smiling nothing else matters. The most excruciating feeling seems trifling.

You know it, you made me, your secret is out, well at least to me, not to say that I was smart enough to figure it out myself, I did get a lot of help from you.

Now I see it, now I don’t. Entertaining isn’t it? You make people build up dreams, visions, their whole lives and mindsets and then you tweak one little things and boom…. It all changes.

I have always been fighting people perceptions, judgements; it’s an irony, for me to be close to anyone I have to live with the fact that I might be judged.

I thought I was your favourite. This is fun for you. There is humour in teasing someone if the intent is clear; malice turns the whole picture another way.

Mixed signals, what are you saying? You make me so simple and then go ahead and complicate everything around me. They are your creation. I never communicate with anyone on a human level, or rather I look at something spiritual in everything around me. Coming from the school of thought that you are omnipresent, you are talking to me through ma family, friends, colleagues…

I have become so insensitive that my tears have dried up. I feel the pain but the tears disappear before they reach the eyes. The pain is not of rejection or failure; the pain is from the truth. A feeling so strong can be wrong…

Show me the face maa, please. A face I can look at and all the pain melts away, a picture that exudes happiness, a glint that makes fear look stupid.

I want to be strong enough to smile at misery in her face. I want to win against time. I want to be beyond human. It’s a desire so achievable in my head. Then reality kicks in. The most powerful tool is your heart and your worst enemy is your mind. The only way to win this war is the destruction of either one. Co-existence is what people say to make it easier to accept what they can see and do nothing about.


I have rehearsed this a million times in my head. But I always knew that the minute I look into your eyes the words will stop. Right here, in front of you, of all the words waiting to shout out of me, the loudest of them all is, “forever”.

Just when I thought I was getting closer to everything I had dreamed about, your smile told me I was dreaming about all the wrong things. I picture the most beautiful house with the works on the most scenic landscape this planet has to offer, a Arnold Ness personalised Harley Davidson Fatboy and a Hummer H1 in the drive way, and then your face flashes in my head and makes me feel what my life should really be about.

I have found my kryptonite. An artist’s worst fear is to find something so beautiful that makes him realise all his art is pale, you have done that to me.

Every body tells you that god has made a better half for you, but no one warns you about that one person who can make you lose everything you will ever want.

I like where I am because it is always easier to pass by a display holding the most precious gem than standing the night through guarding it.

I find peace in the fact that the pain to never be with you would be easier to bear than even a single thought of losing you after I am with you.

The temptation of achieving the impossible has always driven me. I never feared to pull off the impossible until the thought of a life with you crossed my mind.

You are everything I want. The question is how close do I come to that painted picture in your head.

Love. Don’t ask someone not in it to describe it to you. And you wont understand the depth that some in love is trying to portray. Unfortunately it is one of those feelings you have to be in to actually understand it. A time in your life when you actually find reason for your existence but nothing around you.

Three Doors Down - KRYPTONITE

I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might

You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might

The mind scores

There is frustration, there is shaken faith, and the fog covers the vision of life. Why should I make a statement to anyone? Why do I have to prove anything? I want to piss off everyone around me. I want them to get angry enough to never see or hear me again. I want to see how many actually come back. I will not care what you have to say, I will not listen, I will fight, but I will call up in the night to say good night.

NIKALANK, SHUT UP. I cannot get that out of my head.

Everyone thinks loudest when alone. I don’t mean right, I mean LOUD. How can you tell that you know someone if you cant tell what they are thinking in solace. It doesn’t take understanding, liking, tolerance, love, or any sentiment. It takes courage, the courage to stand by any thought that he or she might have. I am talking about the courage to look someone you love in the eyes and say, “you’re wrong”. There is no reason to not have this courage. They are all excuses. Mine is that I don’t want to be judged.

Is there anyone who can share the dirtiest thought with a person of choice without an ounce of fear of being judged?

My biggest fear is that one day I will get up and realise that I am mediocre. There is a want to be great. There is a confidence that I have the potential. But what if it is a myth?
What if this is going to be my life? How do I accept this?

Who knows me? I am scattered in people’s heads and hearts. They all know me in bits. I need to find these and put them together. Do I have time? How much of life will I have left after finding myself?

I say you are successful in a relationship not when you can see your future in the other persons eyes, its when you can see yourself, who you really are because what they have in their eyes in what they have in their heart.

I can’t trust people. There, I said it. Now what?

There has to be a point in every relationship when you know it is forever. Only those relationships survive in which both pass and recognise this point. It might be forever to them for different reasons.

Don’t sympathise with me. You insult me. Don’t ever lie, whether you think its important for me or not is of no consequence. You will loose me, coz I am not stupid enough to know when someone is lying to me. I am not ashamed of being helped. But what drives me mad is when I am a ‘poor soul’ to someone. What makes you think I will not be able to make things better? I might fail, but that only means that there is yet another way to do it. This scares me. I never wanted to talk like this.

I will be 25 soon. In 6 years I want a life where I am running around at my own accord. I want the choice whether I should run behind my wife on a beach or behind a client to put his signatures on something important.